Monday, January 30, 2006

I have some shirts in my car, that were my grandpa's, to give to someone. I was driving home yesterday and put my hand on one as it was draped across the front seat. I, of course, lost it immediately. My grandpa was a very broad, solid man. He was the kind of person you could hug and would immediately feel safe and secure. I realized how many times I had probably hugged him while he was weariing these shirts, then I thought about my grandma. I think she has been sleeping on the couch, not ready to go back to the bed they shared for 54 years. They had completely opposite schedules. She stayed up late working on crosswords or geneology and he went to bed and got up so early. Maybe that will be her finality setting in, slipping into the empty bed.

I wish she would slow down. My biggest fear is that she will get rid of all of his clothes now, and regret it a little later. I guess I just dont want her to hurt anymore.

I also took one of his ties that I always remember him wearing, just to have it.

It's been just over 2 weeks, so I know I should be getting over this, but I guess it's hitting me that I didn't realize how big a part he played in my life, all of our lives actually.

It also makes your own morality set in too, which is always good times. meh.

4 comments:

  1. Courtney, I don't think you should be worried about getting over it. It can take a long time, and thats ok. Lets just pray that another "crazy uncle roy" character doesn't show up expecting you to call him grandpa in 2 weeks! Cause, you know, thats how they do it in New York. meh meh meh

    ReplyDelete
  2. I agree with Raech. Two weeks is a very short time. The getting over it will come gradually.
    Just keep him in your heart and remember that even though he's not with you physically he'll always be watching over you.
    About the shirt, I still have one of my father's sweaters, after 16 years. I still hangs in my closet and always will.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Just sit with your feelings and emotions for a while. I know it seems like it would be better to get over it and move on, but I promise you that the only way to get through grief is to go through it, stage by stage and feel it.
    I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now and I hope that you are able to recall some wonderful things about your grandpa to help get you through it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am not an expert, but I believe that grief is a changing thing. I wouldn’t think that there would be anyone to believe that you should be “over your grief” by now. The death of your grandfather is still quite recent. I don’t think that individuals are ever done grieving. My uncle died 2 years ago (January 29th 2004) from mesothelioma (lung cancer caused by asbestos). He was diagnosed right after Thanksgiving and died in about two months. It was so fast. Now, I would think that I would be less aware of my grief over that, and I am.
    Just now I was driving back from lunch and heard American Pie on the radio (you know: “bye, bye, Miss American Pie etc”) and cried. It brought back memories of childhood drives to camp at the lake. This happens whenever I hear that song or the Beatles “In My Life.” My point is this. Grief is tricky and I think that you are reacting as normally as anyone would/should/can when a loved one passes. I know that I will always grieve for my uncle, but as time passes there are more and more days between tears. I hope that you find this too.
    Also, I should mention that as time goes on some of those tears are full of laughter from a funny memory. I'm sure you have many great memories too.

    ReplyDelete