Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Fiddler on the Roof can SUCK IT!

Gosh, we have already reached the point in this pregnancy where it’s time to start thinking about a birth plan. Something, I intend on taking very seriously this time around. Before, when I was pregnant with Conner, I had always assumed that the Drs and hospitals had your best interest at heart. HA!

After my mildly traumatic birth experience with Conner, I resigned myself to make sure that I was always there to be his advocate as well as my own. So far in this pregnancy I have already switched dr’s, and seriously debated the whole circumcision thing. Plus, with Adam being here it will be a whole different ball-game. While I’ll be taking the epidural thank-you very much, I still would like to re-attend birthing classes as well as learn as much about Lamaze and the Bradley method as I can.

See, back in the day before I actually carried a living human being around in my gut for 9 months I was so totally going to have natural child birth, hey if my mom did it with my sister and I then why not? Yeah…that abruptly ENDED when Adam and I attended our first childbirth class in which we were lucky enough to get to watch a real live natural child birth! Ring of Fire and everything, good times abound. I stood up after that movie was over, and searched to see if I could just go ahead and have that epidural right now. Natural child birth my ass, crazy bitches all of y’all*

So after we decided that I didn’t want to carry around a grudge against my child for putting me through inexplicable pain, the next question was what type of “pain management” did we want to use. The epidural was pretty much a no-brainer. See, I don’t do so well when it comes to narcotics. No one in my family does, so I guess there goes my shot at becoming an addict! Not only do they make me nauseous, but I tend to get a little bitch, and if there’s narcotics and alcohol, I may, just may, make out with the nearest wife (now-ex) of the lead singer of my favorite band(you’re shocked right?)

For example, when I was about 19 I had my wisdom teeth taken out, and since they were awesome-ly curled around my jawbone and a bunch of other nasty stuff, I requested to be put down
to sleep. You think I want to hear all the drilling and chipping away at MY BONE?

Anyway, it was the first time I had ever been anesthetized and I didn’t know what to expect. With my mom and dad and Adam working, my grandma was the lucky person who got to escort me from the drs office to the pharmacy and back to her house.

I remember getting to the pharmacy and asking if I could go in the store with her, she didn’t think it was a good idea, I told her to get a cart and she could push me around in it.

Umm not happening, I guess I went back to sleep or whatever because I woke up a little later, lying across her backseat with the window down and it RAINING ON MY FACE. Damn. I went back to sleep. Again.

Later on at her house, Adam called right before he got off work to see if I needed anything or wanted anything. I told him I was bored and wanted some movies(I think my grandmas house was hard-wired for golf-channels only). A bit later he shows up with some flowers and fucking FIDDLER ON THE ROOF and THE SOUND OF BLOODY MUSIC. All I remember is throwing the movies at him and going back to sleep.

What? I mean could he have picked out some lamer shit? He still brings that up.

Then there was the awesome time I broke my back in high school, and when they made me go back to school (only 2 weeks after I broke it-crazy bastards) I had to try like 10 different pain pills before deciding that I was screwed and had to tough it out on Extra Strength Tylenol. That shit doesn’t even touch a headache let alone 2 BROKEN VERTEBRAE AND 3 BROKEN RIBS. The non-tolerance was demonstrated after I had been to school about 20 minutes and I threw up percocept all over the girl sitting in front of me. (haha that’s how the cool kids do it.)

Anyway, I don’t think it would be a good idea to get all exorcist or kd lang on any of the staff who is helping to bring my lovely and amazing miracle into the world, so I’ll do us all a favor and stay away from the narcotics and go straight for the epi.
(see how happy I looked)
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*I’m just KIDDING!

1 comment:

  1. Having gone through the pain of childbirth with only the benefit of 10cc's of demoral in the arm, I must admit that I'm still deathly afraid of the epidural process. I hear they're great, but I'm terrified by the prospect of someone sticking a needing in my spine.