Tuesday, May 30, 2006

I'm the mean one. Goddammit, I'm the mean one! You'd think that after 9 months of sciatica and back pain strong enough to take down some of the surliest bikers out there, and, enough stitches down there to reattach a severed limb, the kid would cut me a freaking break.

No. Of course dear Adam is no help. He says its my own fault for (and I freaking quote) "standing around telling him no all day". Of course! It's all so clear to me now, I should have let him run around with that sucker in his mouth, or even better, the screw driver. Wheee! Oh wait, now he says it's OK because he "watches him". Riiiiiiight. Just like earlier tonight, (and I am still sick about this) when Adam was unloading stuff out of the back of his truck and Conner was pushing it by walking down the porch stairs to the sidwalk and decided to go in an full on sprint into the street. Yeah Adam good fucking watching.

Seriously, it was like one of those time when everything moves so slow. I am yelling and running after him to please stop and I just manage to grab him before he steps out into the street. The whole time Adam is just standing there watching, didn't say anything, didn't move.

Of course, Conner tried to stroke me out and it's my fault.

So, after I snatch him u[ and starting hugging him and crying and basically LOSING.MY.SHIT. right there on the sidewalk all Conner wants is to go see his daddy. Icing on the cake.

I come in the house and stand over the toilet trying not to lose my dinner and then we start fighting. I told him next time Conner decides to run into the street he could tell him to stop, since the boy basically farts in my general direction. Of course he took it as an attack and told me to stop telling him no all the time. Fuck that. I was pissed off, and freaked out and he was going to call me out. I mean what if I hadn't been outside with them? Seriously, Conner would have run right out into the street. Oh God, I'm starting to get sick again. I also feel like the worlds worst mom. EVER. I mean why did I even let him go down the stairs. God I am so STUPID. I mean really, it was the scariest thing I have ever been through. I don't even deserve to have another kid.

Bleach. so anyway Conner hates me and loves his dad. whoopty shit. I'm going to bed.


  1. Toddlers do these things. HOw they survive is God's own secret because neither mothers nor fathers nor anyone else can save them from every impulsive act they set their little minds too.
    It is scary, but we do the best we can do and recognize that no, we can't hover over them every second--it's not mentally or physically possible. My daughter was a climber and I'd be RIGHT WITH HER and she'd still slip and split her lip or hurt herself. It was awful.
    So give yourself a break and give Adam a break because you're both upset about the incident. Hang in there. Parenting is an Extreme Sport!

  2. Hey, you are a WONDERFUL MOM!
    Try being the one who says those things and on top of it not being the "real" mom! He will be fine and thank you one day

  3. hey, dont worry about what happened.. kids show their love differentely from what we expect them to show..its not that conner does not love you or want to be with you, its his innocence that wanted his dad...
    so chill about what happened.. wake up tomorrow and everything will be just fine..
    God bless

  4. I only know you here, but I can bet money that you are a wonderful mother. I don't have children, but I'm thinking that toddlers do this kind of stuff all the time. Please don't beat yourself up. I can only imagine what you went through when Conner ran to the road. I'm sorry that you had to experience that. Conner does not hate you and he loves you no matter what.

  5. Okay, this is your son and yet reading that made me want to throw up, because that is so scary.
    You are obviously a GREAT mom! I mean it is very clear!